I have found myself at a loss for words this week. Well, I have a lot of words that I would like to say. A lot of words that I would like to scream right now. Scream at people. Scream into the void. Just scream until I have no more air in my lungs.

I am not sure why I am writing this post. I have deleted most of my social media, I don’t even know who will see this. Maybe I am writing for me, for an outlet. Maybe I am writing to get it out so I can sleep, so the tension in my neck will release. Things are so raw right now that I do not think I can bite my tongue hard enough to keep from saying things I might regret. But will I regret them? Maybe that is why I am making this blog post, so I don’t say things that I might regret.

I have often wondered why I always remain quiet when it comes to, well, everything. Why does the cashier at Target get to talk about how he is ready for Jack Smith to lose his job in January? Why do I get scolded when I call out someone who is blatantly racist? Why am I the one who has to “not let it bother me”?. Why aren’t more people telling them to stop spewing hate? It makes zero sense. It does bother me. It should bother everyone.

When will things not feel so bleak? Will there be a day that hope will return? I have to believe there will be. It has only been 3 days, yet it feels like an absolute eternity. I am scared for my family. I do not feel safe. I do not feel like my physical safety is in jeopardy, at least not right now. But safety is more than physical. Feeling emotionally and mentally safe is so incredibly important and they often get overlooked.

This week has matched the mood, rainy and cold. I want to curl up with a blanket and just sit and be. Thankful it is the weekend and I will be able to do just that.

The sun will rise again tomorrow. I am giving myself time and space to feel.