Have you ever been so excited or upset about something that you just lose control and can’t control your body or emotions? It doesn’t happen very often for me, every now and again I will have something huge happen and it is exhausting to experience.

We have a 4.5yr old neuro-spicy kiddo who is on the ASD spectrum. He is high masking, that means that (usually) in social situations he mimics neurotypical behavior. The way I think to describe it is I imagine him as a balloon. While we are visiting family or while he is at school he is able to stay regulated. Each time he resists the urge to stim or scream or run I think of the balloon filling with air little by little. I would imagine someday he fills multiple balloons. By the time the visit or school day is done those balloons are ready to pop. I can’t imagine the effort it takes for his little body to remain regulated for an extended period of time.

Those balloons usually pop at home. All of those emotions that he filled those balloons with throughout his day come out all at once. This is the side of autism most of our family and friends don’t get to see. The playful, talkative, easy going kiddo they spent the last few hours with isn’t there. All the anxiety and stress he has felt is able to pour out because home is where he feels that he doesn’t have to mask. He has moments where he isn’t verbal, all his words and language get lost in the balloon explosion. I see the anxiety in his eyes when the cheese he got isn’t the right one. He wanted white cheese and I got him yellow. Now, that might seem like a small thing to most, but to a child who has held it together as long as he possibly can…it’s the end of the world. There is no more room for air. That balloon is gone.

All we can do is just be there. Help him meltdown safely and be there to hold him when he is ready for comfort. I can’t remember where, but I read something one that said “It is not our meltdown to stop”. His body needs to let it out. All those hours of holding it together, it needs to come out. It is our job to facilitate so he can let it out safely where no one gets hurt and he is safe. I do my best to keep myself regulated through it all so I can be there for him. There are so many times that I excuse myself after all is well and go sit in the bathroom and shed a few tears. It is hard to watch. It is hard to see your child go through this. It is hard to know he doesn’t want to meltdown, he doesn’t want to hit and bang his head but his little body just doesn’t know what to do. I do my best to share my calm. It is so incredibly hard sometimes, but that is my job. My job is to keep my children safe. I will keep doing it no matter what that looks like.